My oldest child will turn 8 next month (!!). I had a daughter 2.5 years later. Another daughter 2 years after that. And I’m due to have another son any day (any moment) now.
In all, I’ve spent about 8.5 years pregnant and breastfeeding, physically connected in one way or another to children who are dependent on me as their primary caregiver. Yes, I’ve worked part-time during most of those years and I have spent a few hours away from them a few days a week. But, practically speaking, motherhood and its demands and responsibilities have been my primary vocation for 8.5 years. With my new baby’s arrival imminent, I can count on at least 2 more years of the same.
I am 34 years old and this is my season of (what sometimes seems like) perpetual motherhood.
Definition time: By “perpetual motherhood,” I mean the willingness to continue in a constant state of pregnancy and child-rearing as one’s primary role and responsibility, in contrast with women who “take a few years off” from their lives and careers to have one or two kids before returning to other responsibilities.
Life update: A few months ago, I quit my “day job.”
As a matter of principal, I’ve never worked full-time since my first child was born. But, the economics of our family situation being what they were, I was blessed (100x blessed) to already be in a job with an organization that valued me enough to allow me the flexibility to transition into a super part-time role. Once I got pregnant with Baby #4, I knew that the logistics of my job were going to be impossible to juggle and I finally took the leap into official unemployment. (Which isn’t even honestly true since I work as a freelance writer from home.)
Specifics aside, the past few months since my transition out of work have forced a lot of difficult soul-searching about this season of life and about how it has grown and challenged me. It’s still new to me and I haven’t finished processing it all, but I’m 40+ weeks pregnant and feeling bold enough to share.
The truth about perpetual motherhood is that
It’s isolating.
In the 21st Century, I don’t have all that many peers. I don’t blame other women for not wanting to choose this road with me, but I sometimes feel like I’m an island in a sea of moms who paid their full-time mothering dues for a few years, but have moved past this season into more interesting and exciting things–even if that’s just more time alone or with others, without their kids. I, conversely, spend almost 100% of my time in the company of young children. And it’s surprisingly lonely.
It’s hard to make and keep friends.
I may talk up being an introvert an awful lot, but being an introvert means less about “liking people” and more about desiring close, meaningful relationships rather than casual ones. Being an introverted mother means sometimes feeling physically smothered by children who you truly enjoy and love desperately but who simply cannot (and should not) meet your mental and emotional needs. But it means not having the social energy to pursue the relationships you desire with other women, especially those in a different season of life than you.
And it’s hard to connect with your husband.
Parenting together is the most amazing and frustrating task a couple can undertake. Watching the man you love become a father is like watching a new part of him come to life. And it’s fantastic. But it’s not enough. My husband and I have spent nearly all of our married life with children. And those first few years were rough in ways we never acknowledged until recently. Learning to connect as “us” before “us with kids” is really, really important and, if you never really have enough time to make it happen before you’re “with kids,” then it’s even harder to make it happen after the fact. Especially when you keep adding kids to the picture and you have to start all over again with each new baby.
Choosing motherhood requires much more personal sacrifice than I anticipated.
The world of business executive husbands and nannies aside, most of the perpetual mothers I know have given up an awful lot for their decisions. They sacrifice careers (along with their income potential and financial independence). They give up their bodily autonomy and self-care for the sake of carrying and caring for babies. They lay aside creative aspirations, life goals, and dreams of worldly success. They give up time with their husbands who often work longer and harder and more so their wives won’t need to. They give up yearly vacations and extravagant gifts and $75 steaks because they’ve re-negotiated wants vs. needs. And, whether these children come by birth or by fostering or adopting, these parents have already reconciled one fact: this is not a temporary situation. This is the life we’ve chosen.
And it’s impossible to ask for, or expect, sympathy.
No one forced me to do this. It was our decision to have kids right away. To have four of them. My decision to breastfeed them for what seems like forever. To homeschool. To quit my job. To live an urban lifestyle we can’t really afford. To support my husband’s decision to work for a non-profit rather than make big bucks elsewhere. (Etc.)
I chose this life because I believe it is good for my kids and valuable work for me and the best for our family. I never expected it to be easy. (Geez, can you imagine the disappointment that would have caused!?)
I am not a victim and I don’t need sympathy.
But I also wish I didn’t feel so alone in my decision. Invalidated by a culture that sees motherhood as a job you take on the side. Left behind by my peers. Isolated from other moms who are living similar lives, like islands, alone with their gaggles of children.
I know a lot of awesome moms who have made very different decisions than me for very good reasons. And, here in the thick of things, I can understand why they would. I may not agree with a woman’s decision to be a “career mom,” but I know for a fact that it is a hard decision and carries a lot of difficult implications, as well.
All good moms see themselves as “full-time moms” even when they have other roles and responsibilities. Child-rearing is hard work, whether it’s with two or twelve kids, whether it’s your full-time “job” or something you share with a babysitter or their father or their elementary school. So, there’s just simply no way to compare our lives equitably. At least not in a way that truly validates the role of motherhood in the way it deserves to be validated for all moms.
(Career moms are not victims, either, and they don’t need my sympathy.)
Some days of constant mothering leave me wondering when I’ll get back a little bit of what I gave up for this life and hoping there are some “golden years” awaiting me once my kids are grown that will help make up for the years I’ve given. But, at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I don’t believe I could ever regret this decision.
These children in my home are more than projects to take up a few years’ of my time until I move on to bigger things. They are little people, after all. Little people with all the hopes and dreams and potential in the world. If training them up is not the most important job in the world, I can’t imagine what would be. (Thankless, exhausting, and isolating as that job may sometimes be.)
Cheer up, perpetual moms.
Even if this season is lonely, you are not alone.
the walking green 
I left a career as a corporate attorney to stay home with my first child and have continued to through three more pregnancies. This wasn’t the path I could ever have visualized for myself and my husband and I joke all the time about what my 24 year old self would think if she could see me now.
From the beginning it required a huge shift in thinking. I lost touch with some old friends, I swapped $400 high heels for running shoes (I’ve got a few bolters) and only have 3 hour lunches now if you count the length of time it takes me to complete a meal amidst the inevitable interruptions.
Motherhood isn’t my identity, it’s the role I’m in now. And like any career change, there is lots of change.
The first year or so at home was a big adjustment. Until I met other sahm’s in my area it did feel more isolating than walking into an office full of people. My friend group did change, what seemed like overnight, but the friends that I have gained are some of the warmest and raw relationships I’ve ever had. I can’t remember the last time I opened my lingerie drawer but parenting together has been like a boot camp for my marriage and my husband and I have found a balance of time alone; the quantity is smaller, the quality is greater.
I don’t consider it a sacrifice. A sacrifice implies I gave up something more valuable to do this. Personally speaking, that is not the case.
The women I’ve met who choose to stay home are one of the best and strongest communities I’ve ever been a part of. I don’t think they need “cheering up” and connecting with that community means that none of us need to be alone.
My first reaction to reading this post this morning was, “I cannot relate to any of this”, and then I realized that while I can’t 6 years into this role, I could have as a new mom. Maybe after you’ve been home full-time for a year or so you may feel differently. Pursue deep friendships, even just one. Plan a weekend or two each year with just your husband and make sure you have regular time alone without distractions. Don’t give up on self-care or let comparison of hypothetical income steal the joy from your daily life. I hope that in a few years you can read this post and see how much has changed.
Thanks for the encouragement, Mary. Like I said, I’m not looking for sympathy. I was sharing my experience for the sake of others in my situation who do feel isolated and “without.” For my peer group, this is a common sentiment even among those of us who love our role as mother.
Perhaps things like location, income-level, etc. have a lot more to do with the ease of this transition and the feeling of “sacrifice” than I want to believe. In my neighborhood, for example, the average “stay at home mom” lasts about 6 weeks. And, if it lasts longer, it’s because their family income level is so high that one person staying home really doesn’t require much sacrifice.
Either way, thanks for the good word. I completely agree about some of the tangible ways to correct the feelings of isolation.
This is lovely. Thank you Liz.